﻿A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.Mark Twain
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.Emo Philips
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.Woody Allen
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.Ronald Knox
A hard man is good to find.Mae West
A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.Mae West
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man in the house is worth two in the street.Mae West
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.Groucho Marx
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.Sam Goldwyn
A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.W.C. Fields
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.Rudyard Kipling
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.Dilbert
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.George Burns
Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.Homer Simpson
Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.Homer Simpson
All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.George Orwell
All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.Alexander Woollcott
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.Oscar Wilde 
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.Mark Twain 
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.Winston Churchill
Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.Mark Twain
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.Oscar Wilde
An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.Mae West
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.Woody Allen
Another such victory, and we are undone.Pyrrhus
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.Groucho Marx
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.Mae West
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.Woody Allen
Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.Oliver Goldsmith
Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.David Brent
Bart, stop pestering Satan!Marge Simpson
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!Homer Simpson
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.Woody Allen
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.Mark Twain
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.Benjamin Franklin
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.Mae West
Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.Desmond Morris
But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.George Bernard Shaw
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.Socrates
Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannise their teachers.Socrates
Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.Ralph Bus
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.Mark Twain
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.Will Rogers
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.Spike Milligan
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.Brendan Behan
Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.George Bernard Shaw
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.Will Rogers
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.Henny Youngman
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.Woody Allen
Don't have a cow, man.Bart Simpson
Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.Mae West
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.Groucho Marx
Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.Mae West
Don't talk to me about Naval tradition! It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.Winston Churchill
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.Woody Allen
Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.Homer Simpson
Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?Homer Simpson
Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick.Samuel Beckett
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.Oprah Winfrey
Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.John Benfield
Eat my shorts.Bart Simpson
English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!Homer Simpson
Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye.George S. Kaufman
Eternity is really long, especially near the end.Woody Allen
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.Will Rogers
Every man over forty is a scoundrel.George Bernard Shaw
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.Charles D. Warner
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.Will Rogers
Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.Oscar Wilde
First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging.Denis Healey
Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys.Oscar Wilde
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.Woody Allen
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.John F. Kennedy
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.Groucho Marx
Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you.Mae West
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet!Saint Augustine
Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times.Author Unknown Often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain.
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.Mae West
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.Will Rogers
'Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'.Mae West
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.Woody Allen
He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career.George Bernard Shaw
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.Groucho Marx
He who can does. He who cannot, teaches.George Bernard Shaw
He who fights and runs away May live to fight another day; But he who is in battle slain Can never rise and fight again.Oliver Goldsmith
He who hesitates is a damned fool.Mae West
He who hesitates is last.Mae West
Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned.George Bernard Shaw
Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.Homer Simpson
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.Mae West
He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces.Mae West
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.Woody Allen
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.Mae West
Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse.George Bernard Shaw
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?Woody Allen
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.Charles Lamb
I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you.Mae West
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.Zsa Zsa Gabor
I am at two with nature.Woody Allen